Category Archives: Self Reminder

What Has, What Has Not, What Hopefully Will 2015-2016

Hey again!

This post has been a “ritual” that I usually do at the end of the year for the last few years. There you go, another post looking back at my resolutions and whether I have achieved them or not. So, let’s get to it!

  1. Go back to writing my blog regularly. Well, I definitely wrote a lot more than last year, not as frequent as I hoped I would be. The theme of the posts is also apparently converging to one topic, which I will discuss later. ūüėõ
  2. Reading one book in French every month. Just like most of the resolutions, this one was only alive at the beginning of the year, maybe until February or March. It is a bit unfortunate since I really want to improve my French. XD
  3. Fourth language. Still a no. I have been really thinking about it, but I keep getting too lazy to start learning. I also think that I will need to join a class to learn a completely new language. Or maybe I just say that to myself as an excuse to not do it. Hahaa..
  4. Get healthier. I think I am quite healthy, not a six-pack or anything like that. But I am not fat, and not too skinny either. I still do swimming, not as frequent as I want, but I have some equipment at home, like a pull-up bar, weights, etc. So, I work out at home.
  5. Get over my insecurities. Here is the big problem..

If you pay attention to my blog posts in 2015, mostly they are about my mental health problem. I have been having many problems (as other do too), but this year somehow it was harder than previous years. Most likely, it is all due to the pressure coming from work, family, friends, and especially myself. It has been really difficult, but I am glad that I have people who I can trust and who also can understand my situation.

So, this is my number one resolution for 2016: defeat the demons inside my head. I am sure that this is the key for me to be able to enjoy my life to the fullest. And it is about time I face the problem head-on!

2016 will also be a big year for me. I am scheduled to finish my PhD at the end of the year, so maybe next year I will have gotten my Doctor title when I write this blog post. Amen! And then, another chapter of my life will start. I am hoping that I can get a job in Europe, especially France, because I am already familiar with how things work in France and also able to speak the language. My second choice would be Germany because I know many good labs and places to work there. It could be a nice change of scene too.

The other goals¬†that I haven’t achieved should also become my resolutions now. Getting healthier:¬†I will try to stop eating chips! Brave, I know. But, I eat them too much!¬†Fourth language:¬†Spanish is my first choice.¬†Reading one French book every month:¬†come on Andru, you can do this! Maybe even write blog posts in French every now and then.

2015 was hard, but it was still a great year. I have so many things to be grateful for. I got to go home and see my family during the summer. I went to Barcelona for a conference. Moved out to a bigger apartment. I still have roof over my head, food on my table, clothes to keep me warm, etc. So, here is to hoping that 2016 will be even better!!

Cheers to all of you! And have a great new year!!

No Shame In Being Imperfect

UPDATE: I wrote this post almost one year ago (now October 2016), I kept it private because I was afraid of the consequences of this post. But, not anymore. I know by making this post public is not going to make me feel much better either, but it might help¬†you. Yes, you who are actually having problems or you who know somebody who has problems. More stories need to be shared, more lessons need to be learnt. Now, here is the original post…

Today, a record was made. It was the second time that my supervisor asked me to rewrite a single paper draft, more or less from scratch. Don’t get me wrong, I agree with him mostly. My draft was not good at all and there has never been a history of my paper drafts being no-good-at-all. This is my all-time worst, even my supervisor said that it was not like my writing at all. Later, he asked.. “Are you okay?”

Before I tell you what my response to my supervisor was, I just wanna give you a little background. I have been having psychological problems for a long time (as everybody does), but everything became so much more intense when I started my PhD. I have been warned about the PhD problems long before I started mine. I have read about them everywhere too. The amount of stress that PhD might cause, the suicidal thoughts, the catastrophic failure, etc etc. But you know what, I have been an all-star student as I beautifully bragged here (PS: being an all-star student might be the source of my problems too). So, I thought that I could get through it unscathed and surely people were exaggerating. Man, was I wrong..

For me, there is this weird sense of pressure that PhD gives. That ridiculous amount of competition that you bear on your shoulders. That you have to do stuff as quickly as possible, otherwise people will do it faster and better than you. Just in that snap decision when you want to do your PhD, the world suddenly turns against you. Maybe just me, well at least that’s how I feel. Somehow, my mind¬†got out of control. I started having this crippling anxiety eating me up inside, which leads to many things. I started developing an impostor disorder and also (what I feel like) depression. That suicidal tendency that I had had in the closet, started coming out like nobody’s business and getting stronger by the minute.

Last year, I tried to talk to a therapist. It was a bit tricky since she was in Indonesia and I was in France. The scheduling was hard and having therapy sessions via Skype was not the most efficient. Despite all that, I actually felt better discussing my problems with her. However, the scheduling became so annoying that I stopped seeing her. Sure, there was still ups and downs afterwards, but nothing unmanageable. Except for the last few months..

For some unknown reasons, the last few months have been really difficult for me. I have been having panic attacks more frequently. The suicidal thoughts I am having start scaring me. Life has been bleak and dark. But I am trying to get out of this. I am putting all my efforts to keep living, carrying out my daily life as a normal human being, hidden under the bubbles and laughter.

“To tell you the truth, I have been having some problems..” And with that sentence, I told my supervisor¬†about what I have been struggling with. Not in detail, just the big picture. His response was very kind and warm, but too many things are replaying in my head that I couldn’t really focus on what he was saying.

Instantly after¬†telling that to my supervisor, I felt like a little burden on my shoulders has been lifted off. Yet later, I became afraid that he would think I was faking it (negativity is also in the list of my problems). I was also afraid that it would destroy the whole dynamic of our working environment. Honestly, I don’t know what is going to happen now. Oh whatever. I should start¬†accepting that what he (or anybody for that matter) thinks about me is out of my control. And I think this is why people who have similar problems tend to keep it a secret, because they are afraid of what people might think of them. But, they should not feel this way! More stories need to be shared and more lessons need to be learnt.

To be honest, I am not sure why I wrote this. I have been wanting to write this for a long time, but I was afraid that I would be writing it for the wrong reasons. I did not want to write this because I wanted attention, because I knew I wouldn’t get attention anyway, I would just get pity out of this. And I did not want this to be a cry for help either.¬†Now, after telling my supervisor, I found out that it is okay. It is okay to be imperfect, to be broken. I guess I wanted to write this to share with people, to tell them that¬†life is difficult, life is confusing, even for the people you least expect it to be. Some people don’t understand you, and there might be only a few who do. That is normal, but remember you are not alone. Hold on to those few. Also, start letting people in anyway for life is too cold and dark to get through by yourself.

Letting people know about your problems does not make you weak. There should be no shame in admitting your flaws. And there is no humiliation in taking some time to deal with things in your life. 

More importantly, you¬†should take pride in having that sheer willingness to show up and go on another day despite of your debilitating problems. You’ve made it through yesterday, surely you can take another day. After all, tomorrow is just the future’s yesterday!

PS: Watch this beautiful short about suicide. I hope it helps!

About Trust

I find it really hard to trust people. As loud as I might seem, I am very silent about what I am going through, about my life. Almost nobody knows about my darkest secrets and my deepest fears. Whenever I meet a new friend, I always keep them at an arm’s reach. Close enough to call them my good friends, but enough distance to let them not see the pimple scars on my face (figuratively speaking, although my face does have a bunch of scars. lol). I have been creating a wall my whole life because what is going on inside this head ain’t pretty. If it scares the hell out of me, I don’t think other people can handle it either.

But. At some rare serendipitous moments in this fleeting life, I have met some people that I feel comfortable around. I would make a door for them around my wall, and let them enter. These people, I hold dearly. To put it simply, I would help them hide a body if need be. Every single time I find people that I feel I can trust, I feel like my life is a little easier than before. Just like recently.. Well, long story short, I trusted this guy and thought of him as a brother. I let him see all the devils in my head. Until…

Famous-Trust-Quotes-with-Images-14I found out that he has been lying to my face the whole time. He is not the person that I thought he was. He is not the person anybody thought he really was. I really thought that I knew him. Had I seen his true self, I wouldn’t have trusted him with anything, not even my friendship, let alone my trust. And it hurts.. It really hurts to find out that the person that you have trusted for a long time has been lying to your face the whole time. And to find out about it from another person, not even from the person himself, hurts even more.

This post might be seen as a passive aggressive message to this guy. But really, it’s just a reminder to myself that I should be more careful.

Well, I just hope that all the bodies that we have hidden together will stay hidden. And for now, I will put a police line on the door where the door I built for him used to be. I want to be back inside my wall, back with the people I had already trusted. And to him, I say, best of luck.

People I Want To Throw Cold Spaghetti At

Hi everybody!

Welcome back to yet another entry from my rant collection about things that I feel like talking about. The title is a little shout out to¬†Grace Helbig’s podcast with Miranda Sings and Colleen Ballinger¬†if you are one of her fans. Basically, Grace asked Colleen “Who you wanted to throw cold spaghetti at?” Why cold spaghetti? Because it doesn’t really cause them any harm (because you don’t want to, and as you shouldn’t), but it sends a message regarding how you feel about them. So, I compiled two worst characters in people that make me want to throw cold s’ghetti at them!

Cold spaghetti

Cold spaghetti

Disclaimer: a friend told me that maybe I should rethink¬†about writing this since it can be considered as a passive aggressive messages to some people. Well, if you feel like you match these descriptions, then at some point of our knowing-each-other, I must have had the urge to throw cold s’ghetti at you. This is not some sort of a passive aggression. To be completely honest, these posts mostly serve as a reminder for me. In this case, it’s a reminder that these qualities are the things I hate from people, so I should not have them myself.

Irresponsibility

I tried to search this word. Apparently, this word doesn’t exist. Well in any case, I guess you know what I mean.

Anyway, people keep telling me that I should not be too harsh on people. Not everybody is the same. I am a bit at loss why people say that to me. I just want them to be responsible, not bring me the moon or something. And I am not asking them to be perfect. Everybody makes mistakes, I know that. But they have to own up their mistakes and work their best to work things out. Not just run away and do nothing about it. Also, responsibility is not something that you were born with, it is something that you develop yourself. So when I am harsh to people who are irresponsible, I don’t think I am being unreasonable.

Inefficiency

Being a programmer, I have always been taught, asked and told to make an efficient program, to make complex things less complex while keeping the effectiveness of a solution. This insatiable feeling of efficiency actually started to grow when I was doing my undergrad studies. I was a relatively active student. And now being a 25 year-old, I have learnt it the hard way that the clock ain’t ticking backwards. I really hate it when I involuntarily waste my time. For example, I hate being on a train alone for a long trip because I am the type of person who can’t do much on a train. I can’t read, I can’t work, I am not comfortable watching a movie due to the lack of space (my laptop is huge), I can only stay seated, listening to music. To me, this is a complete waste of time and I hate it!

I think these are the two things that really grind my gears. I really wanna do violent things to these people throw cold spaghetti at them! I am pretty sure I have a lot more qualities that really annoy me. However, I have the feeling that these two keep popping up in my life. Very very recently too. Well, I am not gonna go to the specifics. After all, this is not intended to be a passive aggressive message to the people who should remain nameless. ūüėõ

P.S.: I know the question was asked first to the Gregory Brothers, but the podcast with Colleen was so much better. ūüėõ

About Our Fleeting Little Life

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
.. Then again, it could be a permanent solution to a permanent problem.
.. Well, if you fuck it up, it could be a temporary solution to a permanent problem.

I don’t know what it is about being suicidal that makes people treat you like a fucking 6 year-old.
Cause to be honest, it is a bit shit.

Is it really that surprising that the thought of suicide crosses our mind every now and then?
That little voice that tells you to jump, those moments when you remind yourself how thin the line is.
And it’s easier to shut them down, to suppress them and to slap a big suicidal label on anyone who dares to say it out loud.
But are they not the most human thing? Reminding yourself that you have control over your fleeting little life if nothing else.

But…

If you kill yourself right now, kids are still gonna go to school, get their lunch money stolen. DFS is still gonna have another one of half price winter sale. Pre-pubescent teens are gonna fuck up their first times and still brag about it to their friends. The clocks will keep ticking.

You know, in this great nation of ours, about 14 people kill themselves everyday. Is that what you wanna become? A number? A part of a number? A fucking tally on a fucking spreadsheet? Filed away somewhere deep in the office of national statistics. Until some entrepreneurial fuckwit digs it out and half beg attempt to convince all that we need to invest in this pricey safety initiative. Or stats on tejustic in their assembly slideshow, just to remind the kids that the school has a counseling team. As if ten minutes of circle table and color-coordinated leaflets on how dealing with stress is really gonna tip the balance.

Course you’re right. You don’t matter. Not in a grand scheme of things, I mean I’d miss you, but I’m gonna fucking move away.
Bill Murray, Mrs. Buckston’s cat, that racist man at the end of my road.
None of it matters, not in the end. Except Bill Murray, he is a treasure.

But still 100 years from now, you and I are gonna be nothing but a few faded photos in a shoe box and an abandoned facebook profile. Or maybe facebook would be dead.
Ultimately, it’s all pointless. But what does that even mean? As a species, we seem obsessed with finding our purpose and a point to everything. But maybe there isn’t one. Or maybe there is, and this is it.

Kill Peter Wright if you have to, but don’t kill yourself. Jump on the next Eurostar to Belgium, leave all this behind. Pursue a life as a chocolatier in the Rue of Tranquility, of Derby. And learn a new language, marry the local barmaid with massive tits and grow old in a thatched cottage. Can you imagine? Your grand-kids would love you.. You’d be like Willy Wonka to them or something.

No, but I’m serious. Is that NOT better than dying?

If you really were committed to the idea of saying goodbye, surely you’d have the conviction to pack up and start fresh.

I know you’re not religious, but the way I see it you have three options.

Either you meet your maker and find out suicide is a sin and good luck with that.
Alternatively, you’re reincarnated as a mosquito and find out that your best efforts were wasted.

Or.. you assume that this is the ONE shot we get.
Stick it out for a bit…

See what happens.”

me and universe

a life's drama

limaapril

05.04.2014

Hello!

‚ô• Nur's stories & stickynotes ‚ô•

.:creativega:.

live your life

kazecul's realms

Two Thumbs Up!!! -Roeper & Ebert-